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I’m addicted to cutting my own brake cables.
I just can’t stop.share

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Anyone who thinks I’m confrontational should come and say that to my face.share

I’m a ventriloquist. I do gigs in two price scales; for the cheap one, I bring a mime dummy.share

My girlfriend had her stomach pumped last night.
She said, “This is your first time isn’t it?”share

If you leave a dog in a car on a hot day without water or ventilation, it could be dead in 15 minutes.
However, I’ve discovered that if I put the heating on as well, I can get it down to about five.share

You know you’re going to be unemployed for life when you can’t get a job as a volunteer at a Charity Shopshare

The wife asked me to rent a black comedy while I was in the video shop. Not quite sure how I had got the ‘wrong end of the stick’ by turning up with ‘The Best of Kenan and Kel’share

I’ve got two sons, 6 and 11.
Funny names really but I like them.share

I’ve just been down to the pub and had five pints of fresh orange juice.
Now I can’t talk properly.
I think I’m pithed.share

The fourth Batman film is being made in Denver.
Shooting began earlier.share

To Err is human
To Arrrr is Pirate.share

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